


Wednesday, September 12, 2018

by poetry_and_stone (thunderstorm_skald)



Series: letters i'll never send [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Based on an All Time Low Song, Depression, Letters, Love, Music, Other, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Unsent letters, all time low - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-27 02:29:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18295019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderstorm_skald/pseuds/poetry_and_stone
Summary: to my boyfriend, who deserves better than me





	Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Wednesday, September 12, 2018  
11:26 p.m.

Dear C.—

I’m writing this while listening to Your Heart is a Muscle by Ramshackle Glory on loop. I’m not sure why that’s relevant, but it feels important enough to include. I’m so filled with the desire to write everything down, but I’m also realistic—or pessimistic, you choose—enough to know that I’m not in a good enough space to do that. It’s late and I’m tired and anxious and instead of copying my notes or studying for the test I have tomorrow, I’m writing this letter. I doubt you’re ever gonna see it, but I’m not entirely sure that matters. I think I just need to get some shit off my chest before I start crying or do something really stupid. I think you know what I mean. You’re probably in bed right now, and I’m guessing you fell asleep accidentally again, because you haven’t opened any of my increasingly anxious Snapchats. Probably for the best, as they are. I don’t know. Cursed, probably. You know how it is.

Yesterday, we went on our first official date and I’m not sure what we are right now, but I am equal parts excited and very, very anxious. Such is life. S. left an hour and a half ago and I somehow managed to hold myself together while they were here. I am completely unsurprised that I’m having a minor breakdown now that they’re gone. I hate this so much. I know why what went from very faint, almost ignorable unease turned into fucking anxiety and kicked me in the fucking kneecap and then punched me in the throat and I hate that more. I never knew, and still don’t know, what damage my parents caused but I can assume that their incessant bullshit has something to do with my attachment or abandonment or whatever the fuck issues you wanna call it. My roommate knew S. before I did, and they just. Fell into something it took me a few months to build up. Right after S. left, they came into our room and said they wanted to hang out with them and I just.

I don’t know. I just. I always just.

Fuck. I hate this.

I just, in that moment, felt like someone punched me in the stomach and I wanted S. to myself. I don’t like having to share my friends, because I’m terrified that they’ll up and leave me and a relationship I spent entirely too much time cultivating would have been for naught and I’ll be alone again.

I think my biggest fear is being alone. I don’t know. I just.

Just.

I’m very tired right now, and sad, and any number of other Not Good things, and I can’t stop thinking about how much money my parents would save if I killed myself right now. I guess that’s why I’m writing this. I don’t know. I don’t know very much for sure right now. The only thing I know for certain is that I’m right handed and I’m not entirely sure if I want to die. If I was any other person, this would seem like a suicide note, I guess. It may actually be, as I am a Whole Entire Coward, and have my doubts of whether or not I’m going to be able to survive this year. As per usual. I don’t know. I never know until it’s the last day of school and I’m going home with the sense of letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

There’s a lot I haven’t told you. There’s a lot I doubt I will ever tell you. You know a lot about me, but I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.

I don’t know very much right now.

I know I’m tired and don’t feel good and that my serotonin machine broke and that I really need a good cry and that I’ve been lying to myself and to you and to everyone for a very long time about how okay I actually am and how often I have been crying. I haven’t cried nearly as much as I have been saying, because it’s easier to say, yes, I’m in distress, and my body is taking care of me by releasing all of that and not, yes, I’m in distress and I’m going to keep my feelings to myself and internalize them until I am hollow and suicidal, and then I’m going to lie about that, too, and then one day, I’m going to tell you I’ve been lying and then cut you entirely out of my life and hate myself for it.

I hate myself a lot. I think you know that.

I’m so sorry.

I’m listening to Jasey Rae by All Time Low. The acoustic version. I don’t know any other version. I’m listening to Jasey Rae and sitting alone and it is now 11:57 and I feel like I’m going to be sick and I want to pick up a boxcutter again and I want to cuddle with you and I want to sleep and I want and I want and I want and I am not sure I want to die but I am sure that I want to stop living like this.

I really need to study for this test and to take actual notes and go to bed before I do something stupid and to do a lot of things I am not entirely sure I am going to.

So, I guess I should end this on a poetic note because I want to be a poet and you don’t understand that, but I guess I should accept that because we went to the high school we did and there are so many other things that. I don’t know. I had a point.

Sometimes words are hard.

Alright, C. It is 12:02 a.m. on Thursday September 13, 2018 and I am still listening to Jasey Rae because I hate myself and don’t want to die, just stop living like this and when I am done writing this letter I am going to go to bed so I don’t do something stupid.

Please don’t invalidate yourself just because of who I am intrinsically as a person, or because of who anyone else is or because of what they are feeling. Everything you feel is good because you are feeling and you deserve to feel and you deserve to know that you deserve.

All my love,

—B.

Thursday, September 13, 2018  
12:07 a.m.


End file.
